Round 2

Well, I guess that wasn't my last post after all.  I have an announcement to make:

I've been thinking about running for National Office again for a long time...like, since last National Convention, really.  But in the last few weeks, I've thought about it non-stop. And even though I hadn't made up my mind about it yet, I couldn't pack away my jacket or any of my study materials.  Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I really, really wanted another shot at it.

But in the front of my mind was fear, and a lot of it.  I was naive last time around about how it would feel to not be selected, and now that I know exactly how it feels, I'm terrified to feel it again.  It was harder than I thought it would be to pick myself up off the ground and deal with that tremendous disappointment.  So I would tell everyone I was still thinking about running, without making any commitment.

Two weeks ago, I decided it was time to figure out what I should do and I took the matter to the Lord.  I studied my scriptures searching for answers, I fasted, I prayed...and I felt like I wasn't getting an answer at all, at least not one that I liked.  My question was, "Should I run for National Office again?" and the answer I got was, "Do whatever you think you should do."  And then I got scared again.  I called my mom and told her how scared I was of the future and of failure...and of my biggest insecurity: that if I am not selected once again, I will not be able to handle it.  She, wisely, said that was stupid, that I would be fine and probably be more equipped now to deal with it than last year.

That night I studied my scriptures again, but I wasn't expecting to find an answer.  And I didn't- not to the question I thought I was asking at least.  I did get an answer to my deepest fear though, in Phillippians 4:13

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." 

I realized then that if I wanted to run again, I would have the strength to do so.  And I decided to think on it some more.

Yesterday, I spoke with Rayne for a long time about all my insecurities, I said that I probably would run...that I knew that I would decide to run, eventually,  but just hadn't realized it yet (if that makes any sense.)  When I got off the phone though, I couldn't stop myself from thinking about my plans for this summer and how I would study for National Office...and I felt happy, and satisfied, and excited.  And I realized that I had just decided.

In the book "Improv," Mick Napier introduces a concept called "forsaking your fear."  (That's edited- he actually uses an inappropriate word...but you get the idea.)  I kept thinking about that last night and how if you don't forsake your fear, you don't get anywhere in improv.  How true that is for me in my life right now: if I don't just let go of everything I'm afraid of, I'll never run for National Office again and I'll always regret it.

I was still a little nervous about my sudden decision, and told myself that in the morning, if I could write my decision out for the world to see, on flip charts, then I would have truly made up my mind.

World, you've seen the flip charts now.  I've decided.  I'm doing it, again.  


And I'm totally stoked. :)

Final Essay

Here's a version of what I wrote yesterday...more polished and essay-like.  l promise this is my last post here.  Enjoy!

What I’ve Learned

A few days ago one of my cousins shared a Dashboard Confessional song with me.  The song, ridiculously titled “Carve Your Heart Out Yourself,” was as depressing as its title and I hated it, but for some reason one of the lines got stuck in my head for the next few days:

“Man, it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she had…man, it takes a lonely girl to wish that she had never dreamed at all.”

Every time that line went through my head, I couldn’t help but think about how it applied to my life. 

In the twelve months and over 450 hours I spent preparing to run for National Office, I learned so much.  I systematically went through my entire life and philosophy, discovering who I am and what I stand for.  I can now say that there is probably no job-interview-type question that I can’t answer with confidence.

I improved my public speaking skills, both prepared and extemporaneous, and I worked hard to become more effective in teaching students through facilitation.  I read countless books on leadership and made weekly and monthly goals for self-improvement. 

Finally, I learned everything there is to know about FFA, the agricultural education system, and current agricultural issues.  When the process for running for Nationals was over, I thought this knowledge was pretty useless...but even if I don’t ever apply this knowledge again in my life, it sure has helped me in the Orientation to Agricultural Education class!

I thought that all the learning I would experience would be in preparation to run for National Office, but I was wrong.  The most important thing I learned from the process- perhaps the most important thing I’ve learned thus far in my life- came after the convention.

Failing to become a National FFA Officer was the biggest disappointment I’ve ever experienced.  And experiencing disappointment is not something I’m used to.  I’ve always been of the opinion that hard work leads to results, and my hypothesis has never been proven incorrect until now. 

Now…I’ve learned how life can be unfair.  I’ve learned that I can work as hard as a possibly can, and perform as well as I possibly can, and still not get what I want.  And that’s a hard thing to deal with.

For a while after National Convention, I never wanted to talk about the results.  That might have been my silly way of lying about my dreams.  I was too disappointed to talk about the good that came out of National Convention, and I was afraid that the people I loved would be disappointed in me.

Disappointment has taught me perspective.  Although I am not happy with the results of Convention, there are people in this world who are in much worse situations than I am.   It has also taught me how to be adaptable.  I am naturally a very organized person who plans out her life a year in advance.  My plans for 2011 included serving as a National FFA Officer, but now, I have an entire year with nothing on my calendar.  I am excited to fill that calendar with new adventures and learn to be more spontaneous.

Before, during and after the National Convention, I discovered what a fantastic support system I have.  I am so grateful for the friends and family that supported me in my most difficult hours.

While I was preparing for the convention, I constantly reminded myself of why I was sacrificing so much for my dreams by reading this quote by Arnold Bennett: “The real tragedy is the tragedy of the man who never in his life braves himself for his one supreme effort- he never stretches to his full capacity, never stands up to his full stature.”  I am glad that I had the opportunity to run for National Office.  It was something I was scared to do, and something that I wasn’t sure I could do-but I’m glad that I stretched myself to reach for dreams, even though those dreams weren’t fully realized.

What I learned from my experience was more than just facts and figures about agriculture and FFA.  I learned true leadership in being gracious in defeat and working to support those who are have been selected.  I learned empathy for people who have and will fail in life.  I learned perspective.  I learned the value of hard work, and I am learning how to overcome challenges.  I can't say I've learned that yet, because here I am, wondering what's next and trying not to feel like life as I knew it is now over.  I know that someday soon I'll look back on this period of life and think about how hard it was, and be grateful for the opportunity I had to learn all of this.  I'm not at that point yet, but I'm getting there slowly and surely.

I used to think that it would have been better to avoid this pain and wish that I had never applied for National Office.  But now, I am glad for the opportunity to learn.  And do I wish that I had never dreamed at all?  Definitely not. 

The End...or Perhaps Just the Beginning

This post is long overdue.  National Convention over a month ago, but as this is my last post on this blog, I wanted to make sure I did it right.  I wanted to make sure I wrote it in the right mindset and that I did the whole process, from start to finish, justice.  So here goes:

Actually, I didn't want to write this post at all.  I wanted to end this blog with a link to the press release that announced me as a new National Officer, with plenty of exclamation marks.  And I don't know that I am in the right "mindset," whatever that is.  I'm certainly not over my vast disappointment yet...and I'm not sure when I will be.  That's another reason why I hadn't written this post for so long: because I just didn't want to.  I didn't want to have to acknowledge my disappointment and let everyone down.  It was easier to leave up my last post, full of optimism, to leave everyone with a sense of hope for the future that I no longer have.

And right now, I probably wouldn't even be writing this, except that I kind of have to, due to an awesome thing called 4 credits of Independent Study "Special Projects in Agriculture" and my final assignment: a report on what I learned from running for National Office.  So I'm using this blog as a rough draft, to get all my good, bad and ugly feelings out there so that tomorrow I can sort them out into a profound little final paper.  Here goes:

A "Dashboard Confessional" song that I listened to recently features this line: "Man, it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has.  Man, it takes a lonely girl to wish that she had never dreamed at all."  For some reason that line got stuck in my head and I couldn't help but think, "Am I that girl?"

I don't know that I lie about my dreams...but I certainly don't run about campus telling everyone I see "Hey guess what? It's been my dream to be a National Officer for three years and I tried and I totally failed!"  Nope.  I don't mention it.  And if someone brings it up I quickly sweep it under the rug, and say I'm fine, and say I "learned a lot" and all that stuff that people expect me to say.  I don't say I'm still disappointed....that I wake up almost every morning and remember that I'm probably never going to run up on the National stage after they've called my name and put on that jacket with nothing written on the back.  That's the stuff I don't talk about.  But that's the most important thing that I'm learning.

I feel like I'm living some kind of "scenes unseen" life, because no one ever tells you about this part of life.  All the stories are about overcoming challenges and being successful.  But no one ever tells you about what happens when you spend a year of your life dedicated to a goal, then you do the absolute best you can...then fail.  No one ever tells you about what happens when you plan out the next year of your life, only to have everything change.Well if you're interested, I can tell you.

I've learned exactly what "disappointment"  means, because I feel it all the time.  But I'm learning to use perspective.  Definitely a buzz word in my life right now...I could have it worse, much worse.  And, there are about thirty other people who probably feel just about as terrible as I do.  Like my mom said, I do't like this feeling, but would I wish it on anyone else?  Definitely not.

Enough of the whining.  Let's get to the learning!  I'm learning to be a lot more adaptable- it comes along with the whole "having all your plans for the next year frustrated" thing.  Unlike last year at this time, I don't have the next two years of my life planned out- I'm pretty clueless.  It's scary, but it's also kind of exhilarating.  And although one very big, really cool door has closed, a lot of other doors have opened up.  Like working at the Division again this summer.  And travelling the world.  And continuing my college education.  Whatever I want, really.  I'm committed to flying by the seat of my pants for all of next year and learning more in the process.

I've also been privileged to discover what a wonderful support system I have.  All during the week of finals, my phone was barraged with text messages wishing me luck, telling me to breathe, and reminding me that they believe in me.  My email inbox was constantly full and I know that the airwaves to above were filled with prayers.  And I know that even after the fact, none of those wonderful people in my life were ever disappointed in me.  I'm so grateful for that.

I also have thirty-five brand new friends- people who understand better than anyone what it takes to run for National Office and what it feels like to not make it.  I'm so grateful for that.

What I learned from my experience was more than just facts and figures about agriculture and FFA.  I learned true leadership in being gracious in defeat and working to support those who are have been selected.  I learned empathy for people who have and will fail in life.  I learned perspective.  I learned the value of hard work, and I am learning how to overcome challenges.  I can't say I've learned that yet, because here I am, wondering what's next and trying not to feel like life as I knew it is now over.  I know that someday soon I'll look back on this period of life and think about how hard it was, and be grateful for the opportunity I had to learn all of this.  I'm not at that point yet, but I'm getting there slowly and surely.

So do I wish I had never dreamed at all?  Definitely not.
Rachel

The Day of My Judgement is Near!

Seriously guys.  Sunday starts a week of judgement.  Me, my life, and my every move will be noticed, jotted down, and given a score from 1-5.  Kind of intimidating.

But here's what I've learned from several long phone conversations with my awesome mother.
(1)  My Heavenly Father wants what's best for me.  I knew that, but Mom reminded me.  And going to the temple reminded me.  And I am trying to remind myself that this confidence, this awesome, elated, sure-I'm-going-to-do-well feeling is my Heavenly Father telling me that what I am doing is good and right.  It doesn't mean I'll be selected as a National Officer.  What it means is that either way, I win.  Which brings me to...

(2)  Whether or not I'm selected as a National Officer, I leave convention a winner.  If I am selected, the winning's pretty obvious. (It involves running on stage, smiling, and explosions of confetti and the like.)  But if I'm not selected, I win a year of uninterrupted, un-postponed, college education.  I win a year I can spend actually being a college student!  I win a spot on a professional improv troupe and the opportunity to perform several more times in the coming year.  I win the chance to be home when nine months from now, Micah comes back home.  I win a year of being able to go to church and partake of the sacrament and go to the temple.  And either way, I win what's best for me.

(3)  My Heavenly Father doesn't much care who is elected to National Office.  But He cares a lot about me!  And He cares about my happiness, and He will work out my life for the best.  I trust Him.

(4)  I'm going to have the time of my life next week, and a true "adventure in agriculture."  It may be the last time I ever wear my blue jacket, and I'm going to make it a good one.  I'm going to make friends I may keep for the rest of my life, and  I'm going to be thrilled when those friends are elected, whether or not I am elected as well.

(5)  Man do I have a support group behind me!  It makes my heart fill with love when I just think about my family and my friends and the kind messages and outpourings of love and encouragement.  That's awesome!

Oh by the way, I went to Spanish Fork today to do some workshops of Agricultural Communications for an ag teacher conference there.  It was such a blessing to have one more chance to do a workshop.  I feel that I facilitated pretty well (despite my scratchy voice half-way through) and that I was able to portray my personality and myself within a professional context.  But then again, I never got any scores from 1-5, so that's just my impression. :)

In order to get to Spanish Fork, I had to get up at 5 AM...who does that?  It's gross.  I'm tired.  After I got home I was too exhausted to prove a worthy opponent in the battle of wits called Mock Round Robin Conversations, so instead I went to the mall to get adequate business casual dress for the convention.

The plan for tomorrow includes:

1. A morning run/walk- to think. I do a lot of that these days.  (Sometimes I talk to myself, like yesterday...but only in the car.)
2. A conference with Rayne that will include my last mock Stand and Deliver
3. More mock Round Robin conversations
4. Some work on Facilitation and Team Work questions
5. The final preparations for my End of All Things notebook (or whatever I decided I was going to call it...)
6. A facial, a color gloss, and a manicure (yay!)
7. Deciding what business casual clothes to bring (with the help of my fashionista sisters)
8. Packing
9. Studying for the written test, specifically the education section.
10. Attending the improv show...it's kinda what I do on Friday at 10:30.  Won't  you join me?

And now- let's take a break from emotional trials and anxiety that go along with National Convention being so near.  Let's step away from the laundry list of to-dos.  And check out some recent pictures!

Looking good in official dress, my first day in Minnesota

(Most of) The Minnesota Crew, L to R: Mr. Sawatzke, Chelsea, Jessie, Jessica, Wyatt, Lavyne, Me, Lucas, Katie, and Luke

I need to shine up my boots.  I really need to shine up my boots.

Check out the blue paint...where did that even come from?

I would like new boots.  But I do not need them!

That's enough for tonight.  Tomorrow will be here soon enough.

Love to all,

Rachel

In a word, what I'm feeling now:

TIRED.

My goodness I'm so tired!I have so much to do in the next 12 days, it's ridiculous.  The list is scaring me:

• 2 workshops
• More practice interviews (a few questions a night)
• Finishing my thank you cards from the Minnesota training
• Refining my story arsenal
• More Hot Topic practice speeches with Jimmy
• Brushing up on ag issues
• Making talking point sheets for Round Robin interviews
• Meeting with Mrs. Parry again
• Getting my hair cut and colored
• ...and cramming in as much knowledge as possible in my head for the written test!

I haven't been this busy since my senior year in high school when I was a state officer.  I just feel like I have no time to breathe, and had to take a few minutes today to call some people and assure them that I don't hate them, I'm just ridiculously busy.  This is definitely a big push to the finish, but in three weeks it will all be over either way.  Either I'll continue to be this busy and on the run in my next big adventure for the next year, or...I'll have a few months to breath.

I don't know if I made the right decisions in my scheduling this semester.  I feel like the things that bring me stress relief- piano and improv- also make my life more stressful.  I don't know.  Last week I practiced piano for an hour and a half because it felt so good and so mind-numbing.  But today, I could only practice for twenty minutes because I just felt anxious.  I'm still working on that calmness thing.  It's also hard to know how much time I should spend working with the improv troupe, because I don't want it to take away from my National Office study, but I also don't want to abandon it and have to make up if I end up staying here.

If I do end up staying here...it will be a bit of a relief.  I want to be a National Officer, I really do.   I need a little time to breathe, to do laundry, to go grocery shopping, and heck, to just be a college student!  I want to stay up late and say "yes!" when my friends invite me to watch Sherlock Holmes and just be myself with a little less stress.  But I want to work hard now, so that even if I do come home, I'll feel like I've done everything I could have.

My goal for this month is to be more friendly and outgoing, so that I can portray that to the nominating committee.  So that means less time with the iPod in my ears and more time talking to anyone I recognize.  And in the past week, I've re-met two people I didn't even know were here at Utah State!

How am I going to get through the next 12 days?  I...don't know.  I have a lot to do!  But I love this quote I found on my friend Laura's facebook status:

"You cannot plow a field by turning it over in your mind."

So off to work I go.  Actually- off to bed I go.  And in the morning...off to work.  Wish me luck!

-Rachel 

Training Weekend Day Dos

Hello again,
I'm on to reporting day two, before I forgot all that I learned!

Saturday began around eight and had one purpose: go through the entire selection process (minus the written multiple choice test) in one day.  And let me be the first to tell you- it was pretty grueling!  But now that I've done it all in one day, doing it in a week feels like a cinch!

So we started with the One-on-One Interviews: nine separate interviews, one after the other, five questions and ten minutes a piece.  An hour and a half of straight interviewing is pretty intense, guys! I think it did pretty well.  It's obvious doing just a brief look over my feedback that I need to work on the competencies of "teamwork," "team before self," and "adaptability and flexibility," as well as I'm sure, others.  And I just need to work on being myself, smiling, joking, and not burning out after 6 or 7 interviews.  Jessie (Geib) Vanderpoel, a former National Officer, told me to smile again and again.  She said that I looked like a National Officer when I smiled, which was awesome.  She also said she didn't believe that I did comedy improv...bummer!  I need to make sure that I am not too nervous and let my personality come out. I also need to work on compiling a good story arsenal and practicing my stories- a lot.

Next up-SAE writing.  I haven't gotten my results from this yet, so I'm really not sure how I did.  I felt good about what I did, but I'm not sure at all what the format was supposed to be.  But it was good to have an idea of what it would be like at Nationals.  I don't think SAE writing is worth many points anyhow.

I was pretty nervous for Stand and Deliver, but I feel that I did well!  The topic was program affiliation, given to Minnesota ag teachers, and I was psyched about that, since I'd just given a program affiliation speech to Jimmy and felt that I had done really well on it.  Thank goodness one of my strengths is command- I got the comment that I was a good speaker.  Awesome, I don't have to work so hard on that then!  But I still do need to work on smiling so that I don't look like an Ice Queen.  I need to be approachable and most of all, myself.  I also discovered that it's alright to end my speech early- at 4:30 or 4:40, rather than stretching it, which is great news, because that's where I usually end!  So I learned a lot but felt good about Stand and Deliver.

We had a quick break for lunch and then delved into the next section.  I started with the Writing Exercise.  I don't have my scores for this either, so I really don't know how I did.  I felt I wrote well, but I wasn't sure of the format and I also ended pretty early...so I don't know if I demonstrated my knowledge very well.  The prompt was also kind of a mixture of two hot topics, which threw me off.  So I'll have to wait and see my comments on that.

I had a short break to ponder how unprepared I felt for the next round, and then I entered a room to start my prep for faciliation.  This was one of my weakest rounds, but I'm glad I've had practice so that I am more comfortable now in what I need to spend my preparation hour on (hem hem, making better flip charts!)  The topic for the workshop was mentoring for chapter officers.  I started with a stupid puzzle piece activity.  It actually wasn't a bad activity, it made a good point, but it took me FOREVER to put the puzzle outline together, and then we couldn't find one of the pieces, which was frustrating and took up a lot of time.  The one thing I was really pleased with was my support activity, everyone seemed to really enjoy it.  My point needed work.  I was so concerned about finishing my workshop on time that I started telling students what I wanted them to know instead of asking questions, and I know I'm not supposed to do that!  Then I began introducing my application, "Mentor Man," which would have been awesome, and....they called time.  I could not believe it, I felt like I had to scrape my jaw off the floor.  I was really disappointed, but after the feedback I felt a little better.  Jessie said to have way more material than you need, and not to allow your content to get in the way of your interaction with the students, which is what they want to see!  So now I know how to change, and I have next week to test it out on Alpha Tau Alpha!

After facilitation came Round Robin Conversations.  Oh, how I hate you, Round Robin Conversations! They're so unreal, I don't like role-playing because it makes me feel fake, and oh yeah!  I don't know as much about agricultural issues as I would like to!  There are three conversations: Ag Issues, Ag Ed/American Ed Issues, and FFA Issues.  I did them in that order.  My Ag Issues conversation was decent, like a 4 or 5 out of 10.  I wasn't really happy with it, but I felt now that I had some experience with it I would do better.  My Ag Ed conversation on the other hand....a 0.  Or maybe a 1.  Guess who's doing some research on the Perkin's Technical Skills Attainment test today?  But my FFA Issues Conversation- dang!  Somehow that was a 9!  I spent my ten minute break in the hallway jumping up and down to try to stop being so nervous, and I think maybe it worked.  I felt awesome about that one.

Finally, we ended the day with the Personal Round.  This round is like the one-on-one round, but it's more...personal. They ask you the crazy, tear your heart strings type questions, such as, "Why are you running for office?" "Tell me about a time when someone questioned your character?" and "What are three of your life's goals?"  Also, it's you and all nine nominating committee members.  I can't really say anything about this round- I felt that it went fantastically well.  If I could do every round at Nationals like I did that last one, I feel like they'd have to elect me!

After the personal round we said goodbye and headed back to the Twin Cities for the night, to fly out the next morning.  I was so glad that I decided to go this camp- it really, really helped!  I feel 100 times more ready now than I was before, and I know precisely what I need to work on:

1. Being more personable in interviews- joking, laughing, smiling, being someone who is approachable.
2. Smiling during my speeches!
3. Ending strong on my speeches!
4. Knowing more (including statistics) about Agricultural Issues!
5. Directing the conversation during Round Robins
6. Focusing on students (rather than content) during facilitation and not worrying about the time.
7. Knowing more about agricultural education and American education.
8. Doing a better job of telling my stories in my one-on-one interviews.
9. Stressing teamwork and adaptability in my one-on-one interviews.
10. Being excited to tell the Nominating Committee about myself.

I'm so grateful to the volunteers who made this training weekend a success!  I'm also psyched, because Mr. Sawatzke said that his 40+ kids would be our cheering section if any of us were elected.  I told him that would more than double my cheering section. :)

I'm also really grateful that for the past week or so...I've felt so calm!  I feel like I could conquer the world, no anxiety for me!  I'm still nervous, I'll always be, but I know that I can do this.  Whether or not they elect me, I'm completely capable of being a National Officer.  Come what may, I'm ready.
Rachel

I believe in being happy myself...

Yesterday was a very long day:

9:30- Creative Arts Class
10:20- Piano Practice
11:30- Piano Lesson
12:00- When I was supposed to have lunch, except I forgot to pack it...
12:30- Choir
1:30- Walked back to my car and then driving around lost in Logan
2:00- Arrived at the temple to do baptisms.  Felt some much needed peace.
3:00- Go back to the condo. Eat lunch, fold some laundry, temporarily avoid responsibility.
4:00- Search every shoe store in Logan for official dress shoes!
5:30- Arrive on campus triumphant, with two potential shoe candidates and four pairs of black nylons.  Study for thirty minutes.
6:00- Visit Scott in his new apartment, eat dinner, watch Glee!
7:00- Improv Practice
9:00- Antics Troupe Auditions.  Had to pay scrupulous attention, because people's "happiness depends on me."
12:15- Cast votes for who the two new troupe members should be.
12:30- Argued about vote results.
12:35- Went back to Scott's apartment to pick up the keys that I left there 6+ hours before.
12:45- Returned to my car and began driving back to the condo for the night.
12:47- Got pulled over by a cop because my headlight is out and I forgot to turn on my brights.  Asked for mercy because it was (techincally!) my birthday.
1:00- Back on the road.  Feeling melancholy.
1:10- Returned to the condo.  Ate a Fudgsicle because I felt crappy.
1:20- Collapse into bed to have bad dreams about dying elephants and their elephant offspring.

Today was just as stressful, if not more, and included taking my car to the shop and riding the bus onto campus, passing out improv fliers, and carrying my Minnesota luggage with me everywhere...resulting in looking like an idiot.

On my way to the airport I had some time to just sit and think, which was nice.  I also had some time to read more in my new book, Blue Jackets Gold Standards, the FFA 75th Anniversary Book, which I am really enjoying so far.  And I got to a section about the Creed, so I started going over it.

*Embarrassing Confession*
I don't really know the Creed by heart...at least, not anymore. I used to, at one time, but now the third and fourth paragraph just jumble all together in my head for some reason.

So because of this embarrassing confession, I thought I might go over the Creed in my head again and try to get it to stick.  What if someone this weekend asks me to recite it...or worse, someone at Convention!?

I stopped when I got to the last line in the third paragraph, which reads:

"[I believe] in being happy myself and playing square with those whose happiness depends upon me."

And then I thought about my melancholy last night.  What it was about anyway, I'm not exactly sure...I just felt kind of blah.  Like my life has been going by too fast and it's been to stressful, I don't know.  And then I had this stupid thought (or half a thought): "But when/if I become a National Officer-" and I was going to think, "I'll be happier," but I stopped myself and finished the sentence with "nothing will change."

What a stupid thing to think, even though I know that happiness is the key to success, and not the other way around.  Besides, life as a National Officer...would be hard!  I'd be just as stressed if not more, and I know if I don't learn to be happy now, it's not magically going to come then.

Just like when I was a state officer.  Don't get me wrong, I wanted to be a state officer more than anything in the world but that didn't mean my senior year was fun all the time.  In fact, I was unhappy a lot, even though I was very blessed and fortunate and successful.

I never thought of it as something I stood for, being happy.  Whenever I've studied the Creed before I always focused on the second paragraph and told my story of being chased by the goose.  I never even really, fully comprehended that if I really live by the FFA Creed, that means that I believe in being happy.

So that's another thing I'm working on.  And this weekend is bound to bring some happiness, because (1) it's my birthday, and (2) I'm in Minnesota attending a National Officer Candidate Training Weekend!  It already reminds me of my good old State Officer summer... I'm so thankful to have the opportunity to be here this weekend and I know I'll learn a lot.

Two other things on my mind tonight.

1) FFA has had a huge jump in membership, have you heard?  The official tally for this year is 523,309 members, which I find incredibly exciting.

2) I feel very confident today.  I don't know why that is exactly.  I feel like this is what I am supposed to be doing and I just feel...confident in my abilities.  Which is a very calm feeling.  Awesome.

Well I have an early morning tomorrow.  I'll keep you posted! (get it?)

Rachel

Just to Catch You Up...

Man, what a whirlwind the past few weeks have been.  My mom was in town this weekend, and yesterday when I asked what the date was, she said:

"September 19.  Wow, that means you only have a month left until you run!"

Less than a month actually- yikes!  I have so much to do!  I've been researching hot topics like crazy.  I met with the beauty pageant coach, Cindy Parry, who was so helpful and kind, and I'll meet with her a few more times as well.  I've done some more work with Rayne on interview questions, and now I just need to compile all my good stories on one page.  I'm working with Jimmy on doing Hot Topic speeches!  And the Alpha Tau Alpha has asked me to give them a workshop on Civic Engagement on October 7th.

But this week I get the ultimate "where am I?" check-up, in the form of a National Officer Candidate Training Weekend!  I leave for Minnesota Thursday night, and I'll get to meet four other candidates.  Friday we'll be at the Minnesota Division of Agriculture, and Saturday we go through the whole process- or at least, most of the process.  I fully expect to come back overwhelmed and insecure, but at least I'll have a lot of really good feedback.

I'm in overdrive- I'm trying to focus on spending all my extra time studying, since I don't have a lot of time left.  I've logged 350 hours now, even though I didn't get many hours in last week due to a death in the family, which can't be helped.  But the fact is, what I need to remember, is that I've done most of the important work already.  Now I can only immerse myself in facts and hope they stick, but ultimately I'm ready.  I feel that I am the best I can be and I've worked as hard as I could- so if they like me, and if it's right, I'll be selected.

Mom gave me some great advice when I dropped her off at the airport yesterday that I want to remember.  She said:

Don't get too stressed out over this.  It doesn't really matter whether you are selected or not. If they don't choose you, that doesn't make you any less of a great person, and if they do choose you, it doesn't mean you're any better.  You're just you, no matter what happens.  

Hot Topics are calling my name- peace out!

Rachel

"I just need to blog, blog it out!"

Pheeeeeeewwww.

My counter is annoying me.  I try not to look at it. I hate it.

Something awful is happening to me.  Whenever I think about National Office, which is basically all the time, and especially when I'm studying (which should be all the time...I'm working on that) my stomach gets all knotted up and I feel sick.  A few minutes ago I had to skip one of my favorite songs, "The Contradiction," on my iPod, because it was making me anxious.  The worst part is, my iPod is only playing songs from my "classical genre."
Here it goes again.  Apparently I can't listen to Piano Concerto No. 1 in B Flat Minor either...

Any hints or tips for overcoming the worst case of nerves you've ever had?  Pre-nerves, because I'm not even at convention yet?

I don't understand.  I planned to feel 12,000 percent prepared by this point.  And now (almost) 350 hours later, I feel so panicky.  So I just had to stop for a minute and blog.  Yes, this is taking away from actual time that I could be immersing my poor swollen brain in more facts, so it seems contradictory.  But I can't focus.

So I need to just take a minute and remember why I'm doing this.  Because is it to be a National Officer?  Is that my goal, my end all, be all, or my entire life?  Because it shouldn't be.  My goal is to be me.  To be the very best version of me that I can possibly be, and that me is a helpful, kind, compassionate, friendly me.  I want to make a difference in people's lives.  FFA member's lives, yes, but beyond that- people's lives.  And if I don't become a National Officer, I'm still going to accomplish that goal.  So there's no pressure, really, because my goal is one hundred percent achievable and I have the rest of my life to attain it.

I'm not ready for National Convention right now, this very second.  But lucky for me, convention is still a little ways away,  So talk to me 150 hours from now.  And then I'll be as ready as I ever hoped to be.  Of course, there will always be something more I could have done, but I'm not sure how much difference it would have made anyway.  I have a little ways to go, but I've come a long ways since last November.

Here's a poem I found on Bethany Bohnenblust's National Officer blog today.

Fresh Start

Here marks a fresh start

a new freedom for my heart

My chance at being me,

doing what I want, totally free.

And it won't be a big deal.

It's nothing like I thought,

I survived the battles I fought.

My thoughts are all gone,

like the night at down.

My soul is free of sorrow,

I'll do what I want tomorrow.

I can't be held or bound.

I will spread my wings and leave this ground.

Distraction has no control.

My life will no longer be dull.

I will have the power.

I'll pass the highest tower.

Don't try to stop me now,

'Cause you won't know how.

For I will be totally free.

And I'll be one hundred percent me!

by xO

And here's a quote she posted as well:

"I have always been delighted at a prospect of a new day, a fresh try, one more start with perhaps a big of magic waiting somewhere behind the morning." ~Joseph Priestly

My goal for September (I just decided, two minutes ago) is to be calm.  Reflecting on what I've written here can help me to do that.  I love that I have tomorrow to improve: to focus more, to be more productive, to be more outgoing, to be more calm, and to be a better me.  I'm so grateful for my savior's atonement that allows me endless and constant "do-overs" in my life.  Tomorrow I will not feel this way.  Tomorrow will be better.

While I'm talking about myself and how I be myself, I guess I'll post this poem as well.  It was originally sent to one of my co-workers, the wonderful Patricia, and it describes her perfectly.  I read it and loved it and stole it.  I hope it describes me as well.  I've always felt that hard work is a solution for everything.

To be of Use
The people I love the best
jump into work head first
without dallying in the shallows
and swim off with sure strokes almost out of sight.
They seem to become natives of that element,
the black sleek heads of seals
bouncing like half submerged balls.

I love people who harness themselves, an ox to a heavy cart,
who pull like water buffalo, with massive patience,
who strain in the mud and the muck to move things forward,
who do what has to be done, again and again.

I want to be with people who submerge
in the task, who go into the fields to harvest
and work in a row and pass the bags along,
who stand in the line and haul in their places,
who are not parlor generals and field deserters
but move in a common rhythm
when the food must come in or the fire be put out.

The work of the world is common as mud.
Botched, it smears the hands, crumbles to dust.
But the thing worth doing well done
has a shape that satisfies, clean and evident.
Greek amphoras for wine or oil,
Hopi vases that held corn, are put in museums
but you know they were made to be used.
The pitcher cries for water to carry
and a person for work that is real.

by Marge Piercy

So my plan for the rest of today: read The Leadership Challenge and skim through The Arsenal again.  Have a little fun today.  Tomorrow I'm spending as much time as I can handle here at the library, delving head-first into Hot Topics 101!  I'd like to study all day Monday as well, I think most of my roommates are going home...but I don't have internet at the condo yet, and nothing on campus will be open.  Anyone know of a good internet cafe?

One of the most gorgeous views on Earth, at the Pettit farm.  Mmm, I feel calmer already...

Have a great long weekend.  I'll be studying.

Love, Rachel

Inch By Inch

Hey everyone,
Last night was a late night, but not because I was working on my resume.  At least not consciously.  I got into bed at 11, but I didn't fall asleep until after 12:30, and I didn't sleep well after that.  I felt so nervous about the selection process!

Which is probably is a good indicator that I will be a nervous wreck come National Convention.  I don't like looking at the counter I put on this blog anymore.  I liked it when National Convention was 2 or 3 hundred days away- I felt like I had all the time in the world.  But now- 70 days!  How am I going to pull this off?  Can I really pull this off?

On one hand, I really have made a huge amount of progress since November.  I'm a totally different person now.  I am confident that I can present myself well to the nominating committee.

On the other hand...I have sooo much left to do!  I have to tackle those Hot Topics, I've got to do some serious research, I've got to read the dozens of books on my bookshelf, I've got to write more speeches, I've got to do some facilitation practice, I've got to study more for the written exam, I've got to meet with a make-up and beauty coach, I've got to get brand spanking new Official Dress...I'm swamped.  Everyday I study and I feel like I'm digging a hole- everytime I get a shovelfull of dirt out, more dirt falls in on top of me.  Ah!

I take solace in knowing this is how it's supposed to feel. (like being buried alive, I guess.)  I knew it would be this way when I started this craziness. And if I didn't feel overwhelmed, I wouldn't be working hard enough!

For tonight, let's be positive and look at what I have done.  First off= 300 hours!  I'm really proud of that and I'm glad I've been tracking my hours, so that I can celebrate these small milestones.  Now- how to celebrate it?  Would anyone who has yet to see Inception like to go with me?


Also, I really am almost finished with my application.  Which is fantastic, as I found out it actually isn't due until Tuesday (as opposed to Saturday, like I thought).  That doesn't mean I'm going to slack off, it just gives me some extra hours to perfect.  I'm close to perfection on my letter of application and my resume just needs some easy editing.  Phew! 


Plus, let's not forget my American Degree!  And all the public speaking I've done this summer!  And all the farmers I've interviewed (like Arthur Keyes today).  And the fact that everyone is so encouraging!


Enough pumping myself up- Version 9 is begging to be edited and I must comply.  I gave a speech at the LIONs club today.  I'll fill you in on how it went later.
Rachel

Gonna Be a Late Night

Hello blogger friends,
Today, again, I've been working on my letter of application.  I wanted to work on my resume too, but I never got that far.  Where did all the time go?

Well first off, I wrote a new copy, which took an hour, and then I got really nervous.  Anxious.  Uncomfortable.  I don't know what it was, it was just straight up no fun.  Also I was hungry, so I helped make dinner by shelling peas and listening to history podcasts to try to calm myself down.

Things I need to remind myself:
I am a good writer.  I have been working on this letter of application since November.  It will all turn out okay.  I will remember the speech I'm giving tomorrow because I gave the same one six days ago.  I'm cool, confident, collected- at least on the outside.

Version 8, you're toast.  Version 9, here we go.  At least for an hour and fifteen minutes, because I do have to get up for work in the morning.  And I think Version 10 is the one.  It's gotta be, right?  I mean, what more perfect number than 10?

Best of luck to you in your endeavors, I sure need it in mine,
Love, Rachel

Thoughts of the Day

There are so many, flitting around my head like hummingbirds.  I don't feel like organizing them, it would take all the fun out it, wouldn't it?  So here are some randomized bullet points:

• I woke up this morning sending all my hatred to the digitized alarm clock screen projecting the numbers 6, 0, 0.  Then I thought of this quote (which, by the way, I can't believe I didn't post here earlier, because it is probably my absolute favorite): "You can often gauge a man's ambition on whether he hates his alarm clock or considers it his best friend." -Thomas Edison.  I love you, alarm clock.
• I've thought a lot today about reaching my goals versus reaching my potential.  Expect a detailed blog posting on this subject at a later date.  Also: religion, and what role does it play in my quest?
• I can't help thinking there's a reason why Max DePree's concept of "intimacy" didn't catch on in other leadership texts (and yes, it's obvious).
• A thought inspired by my readings today: Do I examine what will be important tomorrow and not just what matters today?

• Some wisdom ala Max DePree: "Three of the key elements in the art of working together are how to deal with change, how to deal with conflict, and how to reach our potential."

• During lunch today, after reading a short story about a light bulb, a fully formed speech idea came to mind, complete with three stories, a little anecdote, and a quote.  I felt like a genius- and just in time to try something new for speaking to the Palmer LIONS club next week!  In case I haven't posted it here, this is the quote, and it's pasted to the inside cover of my trusted Franklin Covey: "Don't run through life so fast that you forget where you've been and lose where you're going.  Life is not a race but a journey to be savored every step of the way."  -Kobi Yamada

• I gained copious (how's that for a Word of the Day?) amounts of knowledge today.  I think I now have a good handle on the government's involvement (or lack thereof) in the Alaska FFA, and I definitely understand organics and chemicals much better- thanks Mark Rempel!

• I've discovered "The Moth" podcast recently and I love it.  It's not studying (that I count for hours, anyway) but I think it helps me get in the mode of story telling.
• I got a call as I was leaving work from the president of Wasilla Rotary about speaking there on Wednesday (yeah, this Wednesday, the day after tomorrow).  I hope I'll have this new speech ready by then, although I may not.
• I'd much rather write a new speech than work on my letter of application...which is probably more important,

• I talked myself out of a bad mood today!  I was frustrated driving home because of some mistakes I'd made on a newsletter I produced at work, and I was worried that someone didn't like me, and I was worried about being there for a  friend...and all of this together was getting me all worked up.  So I explained to myself (yes out loud, you don't do that?) that it didn't matter if someone didn't like me, that everyone makes mistakes and that's how I learn, and that I was doing everything I could do and that I was doing my best.  Then I ran a mile, and that helped too.  But seriously, ME=master of my emotions.  At least recently.  At least today.

So now you have an idea what it feels like to be inside my head for a day.  It's pretty crazy in there. :)

Have a great night,

Rachel

The Problem With Marathons, July's Goal and My Brand

Hey guys,
No work today, I had the day off because I have to work in Saturday and that will busy.  So my plan was to have a studying marathon and catch up on the four hours I was short of my goal last week.  Or at least just log some.

Unfortunately, it just so happens to be a blazingly sunny and beautiful day!  And it's making it hard to concentrate.

The day started out a little rocky as a I started reading a new leadership book (because I finished 25 Ways to Win With People last night) called The Brand You 50.  I'm not giving up on it just yet, but let's just say it's not my favorite.  Tom Peters doesn't believe in correct grammar or sentence structure, apparently.  I'll still work on getting through that book, I think it just starts slow, but in the mean time I started "Leadership Is An Art" by Max De Pree.  It's also a different format from what I'm used to.  But I like what it says about writing in books:

"As a child, I often watched adults study books and learned one of my first lessons about reading.  They wrote in their books.  Intent and involved readers often write in the margins and between the lines."

Wow- this definitely describes me!  If you flip through my leadership books you'll see a lot of yellow highliter and black pen.  I wish I could say you'd get a lot out of reading my notes, but you probably wouldn't- they're pretty nonsensical to people besides myself.  My physics teacher used to tell us to "talk to the text," when we read our physics book (or if, in most cases) and that's where I got the habit. I'm constantly debating the principles, and writing in the margins, "Do I agree with this?" and "How can I say this without sounding cheesy?"

I digress.  After I did a bit of reading, I started to do a handful of other things.  I just felt all day like I had too much to do and it was a little overwhelming.  But when I step back, I really did get quite a bit done, including:

• Almost my entire FFA Application (excluding a few of the harder things)
• Called people to write me letters of recommendation
• Read through and studied the Monday Morning Monitor
• Checked in with Jeff
• E-mailed two people about training weekends
• Sent about a million emails to Rayne (or 3)
• Worked on 35 "Ways to Encourage the Heart" #33- writing thank you notes
• Read leadership books
• Two blog posts
• And I checked again just to make sure the due date for the application is indeed August 1st.

 So, up to now it's been 4.5 hours.  Which isn't bad, I guess.  I just need to not expect marathons to be very successful, because I can't focus after a few hours.  Oh well. I also got some other things done, like scheduling an appointment to get my hair cut and going to the gym (ie, March's goal).

Speaking of goals: It's July!  And it's been July for a while, but I've had this goal and have just forgotten to mention it.  So here it is: Exercise Patience.  Man, this is such a hard thing for me.  And I don't even know if this is the right wording for what I'm trying to do.  Not only am I trying to be more patient about life and the pace it goes, I'm trying to be more patient with others and mostly, control my temper.

Two weeks ago I got into a huge fight with my sister Rita, over, essentially  whether "dating" is defined as "going out" with someone or "going on a date" with someone.  Ridiculous, I know, but I totally lost my cool and it took me a long time to get in control of myself.  At one point I was ranting and my sister said, "Imagine there was a camera right here in the car (we were on our way home from Anchorage) recording you right now, wouldn't you be embarrassed to watch yourself?"


At the time I was mad, so I just thought, whatever.  But now I think, "Oh man.  What if there was a camera.  What if the nominating committee saw me at my worst, my very brattiest,  instead of this responsible, put-together servant-leader I'll be doing my best to present to them.  If they knew I treated my family this way, they would never elect me."

And, that's all very true.  So I'm working this month on that.  As a sidenote, I don't know why it's always my sister Rita who says things that impact me so much- she also contributed a quote to my retiring address.  It's probably because she's so honest- but I appreciate that.

Could this be officially considered a diatribe?  Probably.  I'm going to get to work on the harder aspects of the application now (the letter of application and the resume).
-Rachel

Dreams

Yesterday, I got to pick a sticker to put on my magnet for the sign in board at work (yeah, I know- so legit!)  I chose a green sticker that said, "Dare to Dream."  I thought it was fitting.

In this post, I want to give a shout out to my cousin Kim.  This girl has a fabulous singing voice- one that I admittedly have always been jealous of.  This August, she's following her dream, in the form of flying to California to audition for American Idol.

It would be lying if I didn't say that when I heard this, I thought automatically about the vast number of people who audition for the show and how many get turned down while only a few make it to the finals.  Then I realized what a dumb thought that was!  Whether or not this works out for Kim, I think it's awesome that she's doing it, it's an adventure and in many ways, she's doing it for the same reasons I'm running for National Office.  And I wish her the best of luck.

I'm sure Kim will do well at American Idol auditions- and in life- because she's so optimistic and a total go-getter.  Here's a good description of her: this is her Info Box quote on Facebook (courtesy of Dr. Suess):

"I've heard there are troubles
Of more then one kind.
Some come from ahead
Some come from behind.
But I've bought a big bat,
I'm all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have 

troubles with me."

So I've been thinking a lot about Kim going after her dreams, and it's really affirmed in my mind the reasons I'm running for National Office.  Chasing away doubts has always been a struggle for me, I'm cynical, skeptical, and pessimistic..so I need constant reminding.  In my Rotary Speech in Anchorage, I spoke about challenges and how one of my personal heroes, William Wilberforce, overcame his. If you are unfamiliar with William Wilberforce, he was mainly responsible for abolishing the slave trade in Britain the early 1800s.  Here's an excerpt from my speech:

"When I think of Wilberforce’s life and the struggles he went through to achieve his goals, I am reminded of a poem by C.W. Longenecker:

'If you think you are beaten, you are,

If you think you dare not, you don't.
If you like to win, but you think you can't,
It is almost certain you won't.

Life's battles don't always go
To the stronger or faster man.
But soon or late the man who wins,
Is the man who thinks he can.'

I know this poem wasn’t written when Wilberforce was alive, but I’m relatively certain that Wilberforce lived his life in accordance to a similar creed. After all, who was he to change the world?

He was challenging a system that had been in place for over one hundred years, and a system upon which the finances of Britain rested almost entirely. He had no qualifications- he was young, small, sickly, and hadn’t even done well in school. He was also a devout Methodist during a time when religious devotion was looked upon as a social transgression. Yet Wilberforce didn’t allow his circumstances to stop him from achieving the impossible. The secret to his success lies in his tireless tenacity and his unwavering positive attitude."

Thanks again, William Wilberforce and Kim, for reminding me to follow my dreams.  You guys are awesome.
-Rachel

PS: Yes, I do realize William Wilberforce is dead and will not be receiving my thankfulness.  It's okay. :)

My head is swimming...

What a day!  I woke up and starting helping my mom set up for her plant sale.  After we finished setting up, I went to ask my Grandpy what he was tinkering with and ended up talking to him for an hour and learning all about his dairy farm, how he cultivated the land, how a creek used to run through where the barn is now, and how his barn caught fire!  I learned so much about my ag background, and there's still so much to learn.  I came away with two realizations:
1) My Grandpy is a mechanical genius, and 2) I should have learned all this long ago!

The awesome didn't stop there though!  I came in for lunch, checked my e-mail and saw that Angela Mayfield commented on my last post- seriously, the comment is there, check it out!  I was so excited!

I just finished up a long and extensive meeting with Rayne where we really nailed down what I'm going to talk about at the Rotary meeting on Thursday.  Now I just have to write my speech.  And I put together my to-do list for next week.

It's incredible how draining those meetings can be.  I don't know why, but afterwards my head is just swimming with new ideas, so I want to get started on a new project and take a nap all at the same time.  This week should be a good one.  I've been getting overwhelmed with everything I have to do this summer, but hopefully my new organization system will help.

Tomorrow I'm running a 5k.  I have never done this before.  Wish me luck, I will need it!


I'm realizing this post is very boring.  I'm sorry. But check out what's not boring: the word tantalize!  I'm doing Word of the Days again, so this one is for today.  It's a verb that means to excite (another) by exposing something desirable while keeping it out of reach, as in: The cookies displayed in the cookie jar were tantalizing to Keith.


I don't think Keith reads this blog- so he can't be offended. :)
Mom, Natalie, and I might go see a movie tonight.  You should too, it's a Friday!  Have fun this weekend!
Rachel

Adjusting...

I am adjusting to a new schedule of working part-time and studying part-time.  At present I am feeling a little overwhelmed with how much I have to do to study, and a little nervous about starting to write my speech for the Rotary club in a few weeks.  So I thought to ease into things, I would tell you all about what I learned last Wednesday.

Although I didn't exactly follow my summer schedule last week (mostly  because of a reception that went on Saturday night and all the prep work involved) I still got quite a bit of studying done from reading on the airplane and attending a CTSO meeting with my state advisor, Jeff Werner.

I was worried that the CTSO meeting would end up being a waste of my time, but I really learned a lot from going there.  Mainly, I learned that the CTSOs (including BPA, SkillsUSA, HOSA, DECA, etc.) are all struggling with the same things- trying to secure and maintain state funding.  And dealing with counselors to build an understanding of career and technical education.   Things to think about.

Oh yeah- my favorite moment of the day was when Jeff showed me his iPhone in the middle of the meeting, with the National FFA page up displaying this picture:

Don't ask me what he was doing surfing the web in the middle of the meeting... :)

Then he says, "This could be you.  No, this will  be you.  Think positive."  

Alright Jeff, I will. :)

Also- this is what I look like when I fly:

It has occurred to me that if I become a National Officer, I'll have to work on flying without looking like crap.

Better get to working on that speech- have a fantastic Tuesday!

Rachel

Renewal

Hey guys,
I've been a little burnt out the past few days..I am sick with a nasty bug which keeps me from working my usual pace- and I'm also very excited to get home...which is also making me rather useless.

I don't want people reading this to think I am constantly down on myself or anything- but lately, I have been having a hard time getting myself focused to study.  It makes me worried, because the summer is starting and that's my time to pour on the gas, not slow down!  But with all the end of school wrapping up activities I've felt really stretched thin.  And I'm worried about getting to speak this summer, because one of the venues I thought I had lined up for sure has already fallen through.

Well, tonight I went to one of my best friend's choir concerts, and the message was on renewal and restoration.  It was absolutely what I needed to hear, and it touched me.  I was there with one of my guy friends, so I had to try hard not to let him see me cry!

The concert, with its gorgeous music and dance, reminded me that I can change.  I need to re-focus on my priorities and make a conscious effort and with the Lord's help, I can do the things I need to.  So here's a list of my priorities in life right now:

1) My faith

2) My family

3) Studying for National Office

Everything else in my life is wonderful and awesome, but these are the things I am going to focus on.  I am a stereotypical overachiever, and so I always think that I am not doing enough.  Setting aside time to study for National Office is sometimes hard for me, because I think that I should be able to balance studying with all the other activities I usually do.  When that happens, I just remember this quote by Arnold Bennett:

"The real tragedy is the tragedy of the man who never in his life braces himself for his one supreme effort- he never stretches to his full capacity, never stands up to his full stature."

Right now, my "one supreme effort" is National Office.  So I'm gonna give it all I've got.  Thanks for sticking with me and reading my whinings.  Madi- thanks for inviting me to the show!  It meant a lot to me...and it was awesome!  Double yeah!

Rachel