I've been thinking about running for National Office again for a long time...like, since last National Convention, really. But in the last few weeks, I've thought about it non-stop. And even though I hadn't made up my mind about it yet, I couldn't pack away my jacket or any of my study materials. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I really, really wanted another shot at it.
But in the front of my mind was fear, and a lot of it. I was naive last time around about how it would feel to not be selected, and now that I know exactly how it feels, I'm terrified to feel it again. It was harder than I thought it would be to pick myself up off the ground and deal with that tremendous disappointment. So I would tell everyone I was still thinking about running, without making any commitment.
Two weeks ago, I decided it was time to figure out what I should do and I took the matter to the Lord. I studied my scriptures searching for answers, I fasted, I prayed...and I felt like I wasn't getting an answer at all, at least not one that I liked. My question was, "Should I run for National Office again?" and the answer I got was, "Do whatever you think you should do." And then I got scared again. I called my mom and told her how scared I was of the future and of failure...and of my biggest insecurity: that if I am not selected once again, I will not be able to handle it. She, wisely, said that was stupid, that I would be fine and probably be more equipped now to deal with it than last year.
That night I studied my scriptures again, but I wasn't expecting to find an answer. And I didn't- not to the question I thought I was asking at least. I did get an answer to my deepest fear though, in Phillippians 4:13
"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."I realized then that if I wanted to run again, I would have the strength to do so. And I decided to think on it some more.
Yesterday, I spoke with Rayne for a long time about all my insecurities, I said that I probably would run...that I knew that I would decide to run, eventually, but just hadn't realized it yet (if that makes any sense.) When I got off the phone though, I couldn't stop myself from thinking about my plans for this summer and how I would study for National Office...and I felt happy, and satisfied, and excited. And I realized that I had just decided.
In the book "Improv," Mick Napier introduces a concept called "forsaking your fear." (That's edited- he actually uses an inappropriate word...but you get the idea.) I kept thinking about that last night and how if you don't forsake your fear, you don't get anywhere in improv. How true that is for me in my life right now: if I don't just let go of everything I'm afraid of, I'll never run for National Office again and I'll always regret it.
I was still a little nervous about my sudden decision, and told myself that in the morning, if I could write my decision out for the world to see, on flip charts, then I would have truly made up my mind.
World, you've seen the flip charts now. I've decided. I'm doing it, again.
And I'm totally stoked. :)
